When Blame Shows Up

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“This Is Because of You” —
​How Other-Blame Sneaks into Family Moments
by Ethan Zong

Imagine a typical morning in a family trying to get out the door.

Shoes aren’t on. The backpack isn’t ready. Everything feels slow.
Tension starts to build.

“Come on, we’re going to be late.”

But the more the situation is rushed, the slower things seem to go.

At the same time, one parent notices the other taking their time with something—not in a dramatic way, just moving at their own pace. And in that moment, the mind starts connecting the dots:

“This is why our child is like this.”
“They’re learning this from them.”
“This procrastination is coming from those habits.”

By the time something is said, it often comes out sharper than intended.
The frustration has already shifted into certainty about where the problem came from.

In CBT, this is known as blaming—a cognitive distortion where responsibility for a problem is placed onto someone else.

The shift can happen quickly:
child moving slowly → frustration → searching for a cause → “they learned this from them”

​What’s important is that the original issue had nothing to do with the other parent.
It was simply a moment between a parent and child—a common, everyday challenge.

Rather than staying present, the mind tries to make sense of the situation through the lens of emotion in that moment.

Blaming often comes with “should” statements:
“They shouldn’t be like that.”
“They should set a better example.”

Underneath that, there’s often something else—anxiety.
The fear that a child is developing a habit.
The pressure of being on time.
The feeling of losing control of the situation.

Blaming gives that anxiety somewhere to go.

And if we’re honest, it can also come with a subtle sense of certainty—even correctness.

For a moment, it feels easier to point outward than to sit with the stress of the situation.

But when the moment is slowed down, the distortion becomes clearer.

A child moving slowly doesn’t mean there’s a fixed pattern.
And even if habits are forming, they don’t come from just one person.
Children learn from many things—routines, context, development, mood, and how pressure is handled in the moment.

More importantly, blaming doesn’t help the situation.

It doesn’t get the family out the door faster.
It doesn’t support the child.
It doesn’t help the relationship between parents.
It just escalates tension.

When there’s a pause and reflection, a different set of questions becomes more useful:

• What would help in this moment instead of blaming?
• What are the pros and cons of blaming others in this situation?

That shift doesn’t solve the problem directly.
But it brings the focus back to what can actually be changed—one’s own response.

Blaming pulls attention away from the situation at hand and places the problem somewhere else.
But in doing so, it also takes away the ability to respond effectively.

So the next time frustration builds and the mind starts connecting dots and assigning fault, pause and ask:

Am I dealing with what’s happening right now--
or am I turning this into someone else’s problem?

That small shift can turn a reactive moment into a more intentional one--
especially in the relationships that matter most.