Turning “Should” into “Could”

Turning “Should” into “Could”- Reducing
Self-Criticism and Challenging Intermediate
​Beliefs through CBT
by Ethan Zong

We often think “should” statements help us improve — but in reality, they often fuel guilt and self-criticism. Learn how a simple shift from “should” to “could” can open the door to curiosity, growth, and self-kindness.

​When “Should” Feels Like a Punch
Last week, I got a bad score on a test. Not catastrophic, but bad enough that my stomach dropped when I saw it.  The first thought that popped into my head was, “I should’ve studied harder.”  Then came the chorus: “I should’ve started earlier.” “I should’ve focused more.”  Each “should” landed like a punch — not because it was entirely untrue, but because it carried a heavy undercurrent of “I failed.”

What “Should” Really Means in CBT
In Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT), we call these intermediate beliefs — the underlying rules, attitudes, or assumptions that shape how we interpret situations.  Here are a couple of examples:

• “I must get a 90 on the test; if not, I’ve failed.”
• “If I ask for help, it means others are better than me.”

“Should” statements sound like motivation, but they’re often self-criticism in disguise.  Mine sounded something like: “If I don’t perform perfectly, I’m not capable enough.”  No wonder I felt so defeated.
 
The Shift: From “Should” to “Could”
To challenge that thinking, I used one of my favorite CBT tools — cognitive restructuring through Socratic questioning.  I paused and asked myself a few simple questions:

• What’s the evidence that this one score defines my ability?
• Would I judge a friend’s capability if the same thing happened to them?
• Is there another way to view this that’s both honest and kind?

That last question led to a small but powerful shift. Instead of saying, “I should’ve studied harder,” I changed it to, “I could plan my study time differently next time.” Just one word changed everything — from blame to curiosity, from guilt to growth.
 
Why “Could” Works
“Could” opens a door that “should” had shut.  It makes space for learning, flexibility, and self-compassion.  It invites exploration instead of judgment.  When we say “could,” we remind ourselves that growth comes from choice, not from shame.

Try This Exercise
This week, try catching your “shoulds.”  Write down three “should” statements that came up for you, then turn each into a “could.”  For example:

Notice how the shift feels — lighter, kinder, and more empowering.