The Power of "Should-ing"

The Power of "Should-ing"
by Hayden Beach

We all have expectations for ourselves. Whether it's to be more productive during the workday, follow a routine, or show up for those we care about, we often hold ourselves to a high standard and expect others to do the same. When I'm reminded of my expectations for myself, this motivates me and reminds me of the person I want to be—with thoughts that sometimes look like, "I should reach out to them and see how they're doing."

As the new season approaches, I've noticed these thoughts creeping in more often—first thing in the morning or at the end of a long day. I'll think, "I should have woken up earlier so I could get a workout in," or "I should have eaten healthier today."

​In CBT, we call these should statements or shoulding. It's the persistent voice telling us our actions don't meet our expectations. Sometimes shoulding can motivate us—but often it does more harm than good.
 
What are should statements (and why they're harmful)?Like many other automatic thoughts, should statements are a cognitive distortion. They place rigid rules or expectations on ourselves, leaving us with guilt and frustration. We may sometimes not even realize we're engaging in this thought pattern.
Familiar words to look out for that can help us realize we've entered "should statement" territory include: should, must, ought, always have to.
 
So now what?Now that we know that should statements can be harmful, where do we go from here? Here are some ways to work through these thoughts and be kinder to ourselves:

Socratic questioning/cognitive restructuring
When we notice these kinds of statements pop up during our day, it's helpful to pause and question the thought:

• Examine its realism: "Is this expectation realistic?"
• Look at the utility of the thought: "What's the effect of telling myself this?"

Asking these questions helps us test the validity of the thought and evaluate its impact on us.

​Reframing
Replacing our "shoulds" with softer, more compassionate language:

• Rather than saying, "I should have woken up earlier," try, "I would have liked to wake up earlier, but I woke up when I could, and I can still make today productive."

Rather than focusing on regret and shame, reframing statements like this can help shift our attention to what we can do now.
 
We all engage in should statements at one point or another—they may come in waves and often stem from our standards and desires to be better. But when they start to create shame and frustration, they're really just holding us back. Using these quick tools and techniques to address and challenge the "shoulds" in our lives helps us move forward and become more compassionate.