holiday Pressure

When the Holidays Feel Like an
Exam You’re About to Fail
by Noah Clyman, LCSW-R

Every year around this time, I ask my clients—and honestly, myself: How are you being good to yourself during the holidays? Some years the answer is basically: “I’m… not.”

A lot of us slip into what psychologists call socially prescribed perfectionism—the feeling that we’re being graded on the holidays. Not just doing them, but doing them right: the gifts, the wrapping, the food, the outfit, the hosting vibe, the travel, the “right” level of cheer, the photos that prove you’re having fun.
I’m not immune. I’ve had years where I’m walking through Target like it’s a timed event: “If I pick the wrong thing, I’m a bad husband/friend/son and Christmas is canceled.”

Meanwhile my dog Lightning—who has zero interest in human performance—wants a lap, a walk, and whatever falls off a plate. He does not care if the bows are symmetrical.

The trap: trying to avoid criticism (from… who?)

If you catch yourself thinking:

• “If I don’t do X, Y, and Z, people will judge me.”
• “They’ll think I’m selfish / lazy / a bad host.”
• “Everyone else has this figured out—I can’t drop the ball.”

…pause and ask: Who are these “people”?

Usually it’s not one specific person. It’s more like a vague audience in your head. A committee. Clipboards.

​A client (details changed) put it perfectly: she hosted, cooked for two days, cleaned, bought thoughtful gifts—then a relative said, “Wow, you’re really doing a lot. You should learn to relax.”

And she was like, “So either I’m disappointing… or I’m too much. Great.”
That’s the thing: trying to avoid criticism is a losing game. You can do everything “right” and still get a comment—especially when people are stressed, tired, or a couple drinks in.

So if criticism is possible either way… you might as well stop organizing your holidays around outrunning it.

Shift from performance mode to values mode

Instead of: “What will keep everyone from being disappointed in me?” try:

• What actually matters to me about this season?
• What traditions do I genuinely enjoy?
• What’s one thing I can simplify without turning it into a moral failure?

​Maybe it’s decorating the tree with Celine Dion’s These Are Special Times on repeat (yes, it’s my favorite). Maybe it’s a quiet walk after dinner while everyone else watches football. Maybe it’s saying no to one event so you can say yes to sleep.

When you shift from performing to choosing, a few things tend to happen:

• The criticism you were bracing for often doesn’t show up.
• If it does, it stings less because it stops feeling like a verdict on you.
• You’re not auditioning for the role of “Perfect Holiday Person.” You’re a person.

​A “good enough” reset (5 minutes)
A few questions to jot down or just think about:

• Where am I overdoing it mainly to avoid disapproval?
• If someone complained no matter what, what would I still choose to do?
• What are 2–3 things I want to protect this year?
• What are 2–3 things I can let be “good enough” (or skip)?

Because the punchline is: a “good enough” holiday is usually the one people actually enjoy. Lightning would like me to add: turkey scraps are the only tradition that truly matters.

​This post was inspired by my good friend Dr. Ellen Hendriksen. You can read her beautiful original piece, “How do I resist performing the holidays?” here.