Comparison vs. reality

Comparison vs. Reality:
Escaping the Trap and Quieting
the Inner Voice with CBT
by Hayden Beach

The emotional pull that comparing ourselves to others has is quite powerful. Making comparisons to other people is a natural human tendency, but when it starts to bring us down and make us feel inferior, it's something worth addressing. The world we live in sets us up for constant comparisons, and admittedly, this is a vicious trap I've even found myself falling into. Despite knowing the cognitive distortion behind unfair comparisons, I still catch these thoughts popping into my brain, and at times, I'm even convinced some of these thoughts are true!

For me, it's most present when I'm on social media. Whether it's a social or professional platform, being bombarded with others' social outings or achievements can be overwhelming, and I'm often met with thoughts such as "why aren't I further ahead like them?", "They're much more ahead than I am, I'm falling behind", "They make this whole thing look so easy!". Even when I remind myself that social media is merely a distorted slice of reality, I am still met with feelings of inadequacy, a little bit of envy, and a blow to my self-esteem.

From a CBT perspective, unfair comparisons are something we categorize as a cognitive distortion. These kinds of comparisons are any thoughts we may have that are comparing ourselves to others and placing ourselves at a disadvantage. Does this sound familiar? As human beings, we are wired to compare ourselves, and sure, comparison has some positive aspects to it, but it often causes more harm than good. Here are a few insider tips to help change the comparison channel in your brain, live more freely, and feel more content.

Identify the comparison: 
Although comparison thoughts pop into our brains without us even realizing, we can increase our awareness of these.  Identifying the thought is the first step we can take. Once we recognize that we're engaging in this thought cycle, we can start to do the work to challenge it.

Challenge the thought → strategies for navigating social media: 
Often, the people we compare ourselves to on social media are people we know very little about. We frequently compare ourselves to only a few traits of the other person, and either ignore or don't know the rest of the picture.
Here are a few things you can ask yourself next time you notice these thoughts creeping in:

1. "What do I know about this person?" (i.e., job title, location, appearance)
2. "What do I NOT know about this person?" (health, family, mental health, support system, relationships, etc.)
3. "If I don't know the full picture, how can I make this comparison? Is this comparison really fair after all?" 

Reframing the thought: 
We will always be exposed to situations and people that trigger comparison. Developing a more balanced, compassionate voice when we catch ourselves engaging in this trap is a great way to change and reframe the comparison.

• Instead of saying "They are so much more successful than I am," try replacing this judgment with "Their success does not undermine my own. They may be successful, but this does not take away from my own achievements and path".

Developing mindfulness:
Although social media is an unavoidable part of many of our lives, this is where comparison thrives. Noticing when we use it, how we use it, and how it makes us feel can help us to become more aware of the effects and look into developing healthier social media habits.
Steps for mindfulness:

• Track your social media use for a few days.
  • How much did you spend on social media?
  • Take note of your mood before and after.
• Refrain from using social media for a day. (or try only interacting with posts like commenting, without scrolling or lurking.)
  • Take note of your mood during this day. Did you notice any comparisons?
  • How did your mood or comparisons change?

​Some helpful tips for social media users: 
As a fellow social media user, I've come to the conclusion that engaging on platforms or doom scrolling just isn't good for me or my mental health. However, it's a part of society that isn't going away anytime soon. Over the years, I've developed some tips and tricks for navigating social media and developing healthier habits.

• Create time limits on certain apps.
  • Through the settings app on your phone, you'll be able to set time limits for specific apps.
  • Consider setting time restrictions: for me, I've put specific times of the day that I shouldn't be on these platforms (during the work day, and right before bed)
• Don't be afraid to hit mute!
  • If you find a certain account or profile most triggering for you, don't be afraid to utilize the mute button. This feature was created for a reason. Sometimes, a lot of the fear surrounding unfollowing others is that it will appear rude. The mute button on profiles is a simple, discreet way to filter out content you don't want to see. And the best part about it is that no one will ever find out!

As we know, life is challenging, complicated, and never perfect. Recognizing this, asking ourselves specific questions and becoming mindful of the habit – even when we see the most glamorous snippets of others' lives- helps us break the cycle and return to reality.