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Assertiveness: Discovering
What It Means to Be Assertive
​by Noah Clyman, LCSW-R

Are you assertive or non-assertive in your interactions with others?

Becoming effectively assertive in your interpersonal relationships can result in much less emotional distress. Whenever you act non-assertively, you generally end up feeling more anxious and tense than you would like. There is also a good chance that you feel angry and resentful at not expressing your true feelings. You may feel frustrated at not getting what you feel you should have. You can feel victimized, pushed around, and taken advantage of. You feel less positive about yourself and how you see others. And those times when you do act assertively, you may feel guilty or anxious, worrying about any repercussions of your behavior. Any or all of the above, of course, produces a good deal of stress. Fortunately, finding out how to become more comfortably assertive is something that you can learn relatively painlessly. The first step is know just how assertive or unassertive you are.

​Following, I present four hypothetical scenarios that can help you identify your interactive style. Check the response that best reflects how you might react.

In each of the above scenarios, you can respond in four very different ways:
You can respond passively and keep your honest feelings and thoughts to yourself, or express them in a self-effacing, apologetic manner so that the other person doesn’t take you seriously (the first of the answer choices). This response shows that you do not consider your own needs to be important and you feel that the needs of others always come first.
You can respond aggressively by directly expressing your anger or expressing it in more subtle, passive-aggressive ways (as in my somewhat exaggerated second choices). With this response, you disregard the other person’s rights or feelings. You want to win, but at any cost.
You can respond assertively with the third answer choices. You stand up for yourself, expressing the way you truly feel. You are considerate of other people’s feelings. You do not attack or blame, nor do you become meek and withdraw.
You could respond with the fourth choice. This form of response can be a combination of the first three. It can be part passive and part assertive, or some other mixture of interactive styles.

Suspect there is room for improvement in your assertiveness style? Stay tuned! Over the next couple weeks I will provide further education on the psychology of assertiveness, and offer some tips and strategies for improving your assertiveness style.
In my usual fashion, I’m going to leave you with a simple, practical assignment to carry this post into your week:
Homework: Keep a brief record of when you do and do not act assertively. Nothing fancy–just make some notes to yourself.