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Assertiveness: Not Too Hot, Not Too Cold - Just Right by Noah Clyman, LCSW-R Acting assertively means knowing how to express your opinions, wants, and feelings in ways that do not compromise the rights of others or demean others. When you assert your own needs, you do not let others take advantage of you, nor do you feel guilty. Being assertive is more than returning a broken toaster or telling a waiter to take back your undercooked steak. Often, being more assertive means being able to express positive feelings to someone, to express affection and caring. Being assertive also means being able to give and receive positives, be they compliments, thank-yous, or other expressions of praise or gratitude. You are not meek, you are not aggressive, and you do not blame and resent. You feel good about your actions. And you feel less stress.
Examples of assertiveness behavior To help you get a better picture of what assertive behavior is, I list some assertive responses to common situations. 1. Refusing a request:
What assertiveness behavior is not An old cartoon shows an office door with a sign on it reading, “Assertiveness class in session. Don’t knock; just barge in!” Back in the ’70’s there was a great interest in the topic of assertiveness. A flood of books hit the shelves telling us that we could now say “No” with impunity and to stand up, speak up, and to get what we want. Assertiveness training courses flourished, and the streets were filled with course graduates all too eager to express their thoughts and feelings. While most people get the point of being more assertive, many others miss the point and interpret being assertive as permission to express all their pent-up aggression and hostility. Assertiveness is not:
So, what next? Looking around at those you know, you may be tempted to make a judgement on whether you are assertive or not, and you may think you were born that way. Actually, there is some truth to this. We do come into this world with some hard wiring that predisposes us to be assertive or non-assertive. Then there are your parents, other people, and your life experiences, all of which contribute to the ways in which you interact with others. However, should you lack any or all of these influences, you can still become assertive. With a little time and some effort, plus deliberate practice, you can readily see yourself becoming more assertive–and less stressed. Comments are closed.
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