Assertiveness vs. aggression

Assertiveness Versus Aggression:
Speaking Up and Setting Boundaries 
by Hayden Beach

Being assertive is one of the most important–yet challenging–skills in life. For a while, I used to associate assertiveness with confrontation or aggression. In reality, assertion is something entirely different. It’s the ability to communicate our feelings and needs respectfully, without placing blame or accusations on others. Assertiveness allows us to set boundaries, advocate for ourselves, and keep our heads held high.
 
In my work with clients, assertiveness is a skill that I’ve used for building confidence and setting realistic boundaries with others. Lacking assertiveness can look like feeling powerless over others, not speaking up for ourselves or prioritizing others needs before our own. All in all, lacking assertiveness can lead to resentment, frustration, and a lack of autonomy.
 
If this sounds familiar to you, you may find that this kind of passivity shows up in your friendships, relationships, and even your work life.
 
When I teach assertiveness to my clients, I introduce this form of communication through “I statements,” using the following structure:
 
“When [situation], I feel [feeling] because [brief reason]. I would like [request].”
 
This communication skill keeps the focus on you and how you feel, rather than blaming the other person.
 
Let’s say that you’re feeling frustrated with a friend for frequently cancelling plans with you last minute. If you’re anything like me, you might be feeling frustrated and like they’re being disrespectful of your time. Here's an example of how using this assertiveness tool might look in this situation:
 
“When plans change at the last minute, I feel frustrated because I’ve already organized my time. I would like a heads-up earlier when possible.”
 
By explaining the situation, how you feel, and asking for a concrete change, you’re creating space for understanding, respect, and action.
 
Can you think of one recent situation in your life where you wish you had been more assertive? How did staying quiet make you feel? What might you want to do differently next time? Maybe it was a co-worker asking you to take on extra work during an already stressful work week, or your neighbor playing music loudly late at night when you’re trying to sleep. Whatever it might be, I want you to apply this strategy and take note of how you feel afterwards, regardless of the outcome.
 
Assertion isn’t just about getting what we want; it’s about standing up for ourselves because we believe we deserve the same fairness and respect as others. Even when our requests aren’t met, there is still value—and strength—in asserting ourselves. In my own life, I’ve found that simply using this skill, no matter the result, leaves me feeling more satisfied and confident.
 
Being assertive can feel uncomfortable at first – especially when we’ve spent much of our lives operating from a people-pleasing mindset. But the more that we practice this tool, the stronger our sense of agency and self-confidence becomes.